Successful relationships are not built over night. They require lots of time and a ton of patience. They have no part in a magical world; and they ultimately do not belong in any fabricated fairy tales. The bottom line is that good and lasting relationships need to be molded and worked on to ensure any type of success. We as partners in living relationships can do an assortment of things to sustain and guide our relationships on the right path. First and foremost, in any successful relationship communication is of the utmost importance.
We have heard this time and time again. There are no tricks to it, and it's not a lie. This is the key that will unlock the safe and guarantee the success in your relationships or the nail you will use to seal the coffin and bury your unsuccessful ones. Communication is the foundation on which you should build your never-ending relationships. I for one know that it's not easy to find good communicators out there. Many of us are spoiled rotten. We expect our partners to read our minds, to decipher the hieroglyphic signs sent by our body language, to pull the crystal ball and forecast the distant future, or to communicate through the ESP channel. You get the idea. Right! Unfortunately, none of the above will help you lay a brick in the construction of a relationship. Maybe you think your neighbor is too charming and sweet to resist his advances. Perhaps your partner won't mind your boss's constant flattery. After all, if it's all done behind closed doors, it won't ever be a problem. You say right. I say no problem is too small to discuss with your partner, if you are hoping to build something big. Besides, a bunch of little problems, eventually, pile up into one humongous one. The rule of thumb should be to let it out and not bottle anything up. Bring all your concerns to the table. Don't play childish games with your partners. Don't ever interrupt the flow of communication by hanging up the phone or not returning his calls. If you leave everything till tomorrow, it will be much harder to cocoon those little secrets and the exposure will have a greater negative impact on your relationship.
"In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part?" I'm quite sure you remember those words. Not withstanding, whenever the possibility presents itself you sneak and you check your partner's personal items, you browse over emails, you check pockets, purses, pocketbooks, wallets and hear cell phone messages. You smell clothes hoping to sniff out a different fragrance or find the imprint of someone else's lipstick. All of the above things bring your relationships one step closer to that burial site in the cemetery. Without trust there is nothing. Not trusting your partner will take away your peace of mind. It will keep you rolling and wondering in your bed without sleep and without rest. It will drain you of that needed energy to perform at work. Your appetite will either depart causing you to lose excessive weight or overpower you making you gain quite a few pounds. All of that will be attributed to your new way of thinking and the voices in your head echoing that your partner is up to no good. Trust me when I tell you. This is vital. If you don't trust your partner, you might as well throw in the towel because this is a match you will not win. Consequently, your lack of trust will uproot your lack of respect for your partner and for the relationship you have tried to build so arduously.
Respect is all too important. It's essential for the normal functioning of a healthy relationship. It's never a good idea to disrespect your partner in front of his friends. This will, in due course, bring out your lack of maturity and understanding for one another. Raising your voice or yelling at your partner, ridiculing the way she dresses, how fat she looks, criticizing him, throwing him on the mat and pinning him against the floor in front of all your friends will not earn either of you any extra credit. Oftentimes, people do those things in front of friends embarrassing themselves and disrespecting their friends. Why live with so much stupid drama. No one needs it anyway. Some of your closest friends might even distance themselves from you because you won't cease displaying that abusive behavior. Your partner must be treated with the utmost respect at all times. It's not something that your partner has to demand. It's something that you both agreed to give each other when you committed to building a long and flourishing relationship. It goes without saying that the stakes are higher when you have children. Remember that by disrespecting your partner, you are also disrespecting the children and sending them on a collision course with their future relationships. That harmonious niche you once called home will be nothing more than a cuckoo's nest where everyone walks around yelling and calling each other names. There won't be time to synchronize your chores around the house or to breathe the air with ease.
It will be a matter of time before someone deals out the unfaithful card. The games will no longer be fun to play. It's not like they were since the problems started anyway. Someone will be spending a lot of time on that living room couch or embracing that same cold spot on the floor. The relationship has deteriorated to "the point of no return." Don't get me wrong nothing is impossible. There is always a viable possibility for reconciliation. However, if your suspicions of infidelity are confirmed, then what else is there to do? The best course of action would be for both partners to venture into the realm of therapy. I am not talking about consulting and bull shitting with your friends. It doesn't matter how close you think they are to you. All that might be, in the long run, is a waste of time. Most of your friends are not trained to listen and give impartial advice. They won't be neutral because they will pick your side. Patching things up with your partner will be closer to becoming a thing of the past. Some of your so-called friends might even get to play the role of a double agent, learning your must intimate secrets and doing God only knows what with their newly acquired information. Your relationship will be tallied in with the rest of that statistical data. The geniuses will input it, print it and laugh at you. They will chant in unison and in an admonishing tone, "We told you so." Being unfaithful to your partner delivers the lowest of blows. It simply means that you no longer give a rat about anything. You are now taking back the first brick you laid in the foundation and your relationship has been singled out for demolition one brick at a time. Your lack of respect for your partner and the ill advice of some of your "Trusted" friends put you on that impassable road. It might take months or even years of therapy before the two of you start to see any result. There are no more blaming games to be played anymore. If you are going to try to salvage the relationship you once had, the two of you have to see eye to eye on consulting and seeing a therapist, a priest or a rabbi and then try your best to work things out. "It takes two to tango." If only one of you is willing to reevaluate and seems resolute in his intent to remedy the entire situation for a fresh start, then I will have to say to brace your self for the worst. Going to therapy on your own helps; but you must remember that someone is missing. Usually, it would be the partner who is right all the time or has done nothing wrong. Yeah, Okay. A few months of therapy will clear your head. You will be able to decide what steps should be followed next, provided you have been able to keep your head above the water and added to your understanding of the whole situation.
I seriously believe that understanding is to a relationship what blood is to a transfusion. One cannot be without the other. We need to cultivate patience for it will lead to the harvesting of understanding. You and your partner are embarking on what could be the best of voyages, but there is a plethora of sacrifices lined up ahead. Understanding your partner is probably the most challenging of all the things being highlighted right here. You will learn to tolerate your partner's high emotional state of mind, and you will deal with control at a different level, that is, your own. If you understand your partner, then you will know that when she says enough, she means enough. You will know how far to take a conversation whereby the two of you are finding disagreement. Your arguments will be less confrontational. Why would you choose to be there when you know your partner is about to blow up a fuse? In a way, you will be able to anticipate the eruptions and evacuate before that river of lava gets you badly burned. With understanding comes wisdom and having a wise and understanding partner in the relation is a real asset to the relationship. Just imagine someone willing to take the fall without falling, someone strong and smart enough to give up his ego, and someone courageous enough to know that when the time is right and when it really matters, the two of you will have equal rank. An understanding relationship to me is nothing more than a relationship were both take charge and responsibilities for their actions, both pledge to be there for each other at all times, and both create for themselves a fair living environment. Quite frankly, to me fairness cannot exist where understanding is lacking.
All things considered, knowing and understanding your partner, respecting and trusting blindly, coupled together with a good sense of communication and wide open ears will enhance your perseverance to grab hold of your relationship and steer it in the direction you both desire. Take a bow to, Al Hoffman and Dick Manning, the creators of that song and phrase. Pardon my redundancy when I say, "it really does take two to tango."
Daniell Fedrn November 23, 2007
Daniell Fedrn is not your modern day mystic yet he enjoys the subject of spirituality, and his self published book, GOD SENDS... THE ANGELS DELIVER http://www.authorhouse.com will attest to this fact. He has a fascination for poetry and praises all those able to see, feel and write about life through poetry. In his latest book, MEMORIES TRAPPED http://pentawriter.blogspot.com, he imaginatively ventures into the adventures and surreal world of childhood. Books are also available at major bookstores and online retailers.
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